Feet in the stirrups, please

I am alive.  I have survived.  I know, you are glad, aren’t you?

I had my first pelvic exam in many years with NO PAIN!!!  My last exam was probably 8 or 9 years ago and I was crying on the table while the doctor tried the exam (she even tried numbing gel, however I couldn't even handle her touching me downthere).  After recently overcoming vaginimus, I was still a little nervous about this exam on Friday.    Dr. R is a really amazing doctor (in spite of the bow ties) so I felt ok going to him.  He must have been delivering babies the night before or doing surgery that morning.  He was wearing scrubs with his doctor’s coat over them, no socks and black dress shoes.   He came in and asked me how I was.  My reply, “I’m here”.   He put his hand on my shoulder and told me it would all be ok.   I told him that I had done 6 weeks of physical therapy and our conversation went a little like this:

Angie: “I did really well in physical therapy; I was able to overcome my vaginismus in 6 weeks.”
Dr. R: “That’s great, how did you like physical therapy?”
Angie: “I loved it! Wait, that sounds a little weird.  It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be.”
Dr. R: “Well! I get an ‘I’m here’ response about you seeing me, but you LOVED physical therapy.  Way to give a guy a complex.”

This exchange made me laugh, and I felt even more comfortable with him.  If you can make me laugh, my nerves get a lot calmer.   He got me into position (feet in stirrups, ass nearly hanging off the table) and then pushed a button on his phone.  A minute later his nurse comes in and asks him what he needs.  He just needed her in there with him.  This is a little odd, considering he normally doesn’t have his nurse in the room when he sees Dawn, but I think he was just making sure he had a bodyguard in case it hurt and I kicked him.   Dawn sat up by my head holding my hand during the exam (awwww).  Everything went FINE!!!  He used a smaller speculum and went slow with everything he did, letting me know what he was going to do before he did it.  This is key in vaginismus recovery.  I am in charge of everything that happens to my body.  If I needed him to stop, I just tell him to stop.  And I was 100% sure that he would stop if I asked him to. 

Once he was done, he gave me his hand to help me sit up and bowed, saying “you are my hero”.  He was proud of me! 

I told ya me and my vagina are awesome  :)

Vagina Advocate

As my physical therapy comes to an end, what’s next for me?  I have a passion now to become an advocate for women.  I want to see women get the help they deserve to live a life free of pain when having sex, to be able to use tampons, etc.   So, I started looking online to see what I can find to get involved in. 

Through my physical therapist’s website I ended up on the International Pelvic Pain Society’s website.  On the front page was an article written by Amy Stein, a leader in physical therapy for chronic pelvic pain sufferers and author of Heal Pelvic Pain, regarding a Dr. Oz show that was done in 2010 on vaginismus.  Amy  is the founder and a practitioner of Beyond Basics Physical Therapy in NYC, specializing in pelvic floor dysfunction, pelvic pain, women's health, and manual therapy for men, women, and children while taking a holistic approach to each patient's entire well-being.  Long story short, they consulted with her about physical therapy treatments for vaginismus, but never talked about it on the show as a treatment option.  I watched a video clip of the show and was sorely disappointed in Dr. Oz (not that I ever really watched his show, he kinda creeps me out anyways).  I sent Amy an email telling her I agreed with her article about how Dr. Oz missed the mark on this one.  I also asked her how I can get involved in helping women.   She gave me some suggestions and asked me to read her book and do some online reviews.  I also wrote the Dr. Oz show telling them I was disappointed; however I am not getting my hopes up about getting a response from them.  One thing she recommended has really gotten me excited.   She told me to reach out to Elisabeth Oas who does a weekly podcast on chronic pelvic pain, The Pelvic Messenger.  What a woman!  I was able to connect with her on the phone one day and immediately loved her!  She has been through so much with her health and I commend her for becoming an advocate and a voice for women everywhere who suffer from chronic pelvic pain.  She suggested a few things locally that I can do to raise awareness.  I am considering contacting a local news station to see if they would be willing to do a story about pelvic pain and all the women who suffer from it.  Also, I will be doing a short video answering questions about my vaginismus to be used in a trailer for an upcoming documentary she is producing for PBS on chronic pelvic pain.  AND, there is the possibility that I will be a guest on her podcast this summer to talk about my experience with vaginismus and overcoming it!  

I have also been able to up my blog exposure a little bit with some help from friends so I’m hoping to reach women through my blog too.  I also may be helping start a support group in the area with some women who are on the vaginismus forum that I go to occasionally.   So many things on the horizon!

If you are a woman who has pain with sexual intercourse, or you are unable to insert anything in your vagina without pain, please talk to your doctor.  If you are uncomfortable with that (or if your doctor tells you it’s all in your head), send me an email and I will talk you through finding someone who can help you.  You deserve to be free of this!   Today, for the first time in my life, I used a tampon.  Granted, it wasn’t in exactly far enough I don’t think so it wasn’t the most comfortable thing, but I HAD ONE IN!  I was giddy.  I was dancing down our hallway.  I have also been able to add in a little something extra into my sex life because of overcoming vaginismus.   I say all of this to say – YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS TOO! 

Pomp & Circumstance

Cue the Pomp & Circumstance, my vagina and I are graduating!  How do I go about getting fitted for a cap and gown?

This is my very last physical therapy session.  Dawn is sitting in a chair quietly humming Pomp & Circumstance.  As my PT comes in the room, she is also humming my graduation song.   Actually she is humming something totally different than Pomp and Circumstance but it’s the thought that counts. 

I will admit; I’m a little nervous to be turned loose on the world with a healed vagina, but I think I’ll be just fine. Just a couple of days before this last session I went ahead and scheduled my first gynecological exam in about 8 years.   March 16th is the day of reckoning - the day this whole thing is tested.  If I make it out of there alive, all is good. 

Now it’s all about maintenance.  Every 2 or 3 days I will use the largest dilator that we went up to in order to make sure my muscles haven’t regressed.  Once I have my exam I can probably go down to once a week or so just to keep the muscles used to it.  Use them or lose them as my PT says.  

What’s next?  Starting probably in September we will start trying to have a baby (yay!).   Until then, I will be doing what I can to get involved in helping women get help for vaginismus or other pelvic floor pain issues.  

4 Weeks of Awesome

4 weeks in to my physical therapy – twice a week sessions.  4 weeks of waking up with anxiety knowing I was going to have dilators inserted in my vagina that day.  4 weeks. 

On the first session of my 4^th week I went ahead and made my 2 appointments for the following week.  During my session, however, I found out that I was doing so well that the 5^th week I was able to go down to once a week.  AND, she said she thought I might be able to graduate that week!   So I went from an estimated 8 weeks in physical therapy to possibly graduating in 5!  I was pretty stoked.   Me and my vagina, we’re so awesome we’re graduating early. 

The 2^nd session of my 4^th week went a little differently.  We tried to go up to another size in my kit that was a little bit of a jump from the one I was currently using.  This dilator caused some slight pain.  I was unable to relax enough to breathe through the pain this time.  So we decided that I would purchase another one of their dilators that is slightly smaller.  This one went much better.  It’s so odd though, because to me it looks BARELY smaller than the one we tried first.  Still, the following week only one session was the plan. 

I did not in fact get to graduate the 5^th week.  I had some minor pain again so my PT decided she wanted me to focus on this dilator (size medium) for another week and come back the 6^th week for my last session.  I still think me and my vagina are awesome.  

Become One With the Vagina

My physical therapy sessions have all been going very well.  My homework – another story.  I was still having issues doing the insertion on my own at home.  I spoke with my PT during one session about how I never really learned about my vagina.  The instructions from her:  ‘This weekend, I want you to become one with your vagina’. This ought to be interesting.  

I was still having issues all weekend.   So I did some research on the vaginismus forum I visit and finally posted asking for some guidance from anyone else who had also had issues doing the insertion at home.  One very kind lady gave me some advice and once I took her advice – I had success!  This might be a little TMI for my friends reading this blog, but for the women out there who have trouble with the dilators at first- try using a finger.  This allows you to actually feel what you are doing.  For me, the realization came that I was probably hitting the pubic bone with the dilators (not inserting at the right angle).  I still had some minor troubles but knew that my most capable PT would help me figure that out. 

My following session went well again; we were up to the 2^nddilator in the kit that I had purchased online (this would technically be size Small).   I asked my PT what was going on with me at home that I was having issues – that I had a minor success but was still struggling.  She put on her ‘thinking face’ and came up with an idea. She had Dawn watch her do the insertion once so she could see what angle she was using.  Then she set me up on the table in a position that was conducive for me to insert on my own, stepped out and Dawn took over as coach.  I was able to insert the dilator with helpful coaching from Dawn!   For the first time in my life I was able to insert something in my vagina with no pain and no tears!!!  I felt very empowered in this moment.  I wanted to shout it from the rooftops!  But – I’m not sure how the senior citizens at the Denny’s down the block would feel about hearing this proclamation during their breakfast.   Still, I felt ready to conquer the world!  Unfortunately, I hadn't even gotten to the part where we actually ‘stretch’ the muscles in my vagina with bigger dilators.  

Boycotting Mondays

My 2^nd PT appointment was on a Monday morning at 9am.  Know what I learned pretty quickly?  Not to ever schedule another appointment on a Monday.  I did not sleep at all the night before and my anxiety level was at an all-time high that morning.  Guess what my PT told us that morning – Mondays are the worst day for anxiety and more heart attacks happen on Mondays than any other day of the week.  So yeah, no more Monday appointments for me.

 

My homework hadn't been going well and I explained that to my PT.  She assured me that what I was going through was very normal.  So forget the 10 reps and just do what I can in 10 minutes.  That made me feel a whole lot better about failing at my homework. lol

This second session went as well as the first one.  We moved up to the next size dilator after working for a little while with the X small.  So now I’m on the X Sm+!  More breathing through the pressure of insertion and I haven’t experienced any pain which is good.    I will tell you one thing that is difficult – not shooting a dilator out my vagina because I’m laughing during my session.  Dawn and my PT are both really funny (I have my moments too when I’m not worrying about having a dilator in my vagina) so there are times that I am laughing pretty hard, but also trying to concentrate on what I’m doing!

One thing I want to point out is my case is mild compared to what many women experience.  I recently read on a forum about many women who have never been able to consummate their marriages because of intense pain during sex.   I have heard of women who went to PT for several weeks before they could even handle the PT touching the opening of their vagina with a gloved finger.  There are so many varying degrees of vaginismus!   Unfortunately, many women are too embarrassed to talk to their doctor about this and they go undiagnosed and without help.  I wish I could do more to get women the help they deserve.   If I were younger, I would consider becoming a Physical Therapist and specialize in this area.  But being almost 36 and wanting to try for a baby this year – it’s not feasible.  So I blog, and I hope that my blog reaches at least one woman who is struggling with this and she can get help. 

Vagina Homework

Homework.  I hate homework.  I was never a good student- I hated studying and I hated homework.   So yeah, I was super stoked to have vagina homework!  My homework after my first session was to work on inserting the first (called X small) dilator.  10 minutes a day is all I am supposed to work on it. 

I decided that Dawn should do the inserting so I could just relax and work on my breathing.  And I’ve never inserted anything so I was a little concerned about even finding my vagina.  We set the timer and started trying. 

Dawn: “you ready?” 
Me: “sure, why not.”
Dawn: “ok, I’m going to touch now, remember you aren’t supposed to flinch.”   She touched the dilator to me – I flinched.   
Dawn: “you aren’t supposed to flinch”
 Me: “THE LUBE IS 32 DEGREES, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FLINCH!”  

A little about us- we typically don’t work well together.   A lot of lesbian couples don’t.  Just ask any lesbian couple you know if they can put together a piece of furniture without killing each other.   It’s also very hard working with your partner in this type of situation.  She doesn’t want to hurt me, I feel vulnerable not being in control, she’s never done this before, and I’ve never done this before.  There were tons of variables in my homework.   We were able to only get the dilator in an inch or 2 because of muscle resistance.  I was a little bummed, but Dawn reassured me with the following statement: “A week ago, you couldn’t even do this, you are doing great!” 

 

The next night was pretty much the same.  And the next night (the last night before my next session) – you guessed it, the same.  That night I broke down.  I was very frustrated.  According to my PT I *should* be able to do 10 reps in and out with the dilator.  She learned quickly not to give me goals.  In my head, my shy vagina was going to get the best of me.  I was never going to be able to do this.  I felt like a failure. The point was there was nothing stopping the dilator from going in – so technically I very much should have been able to do 10 reps in 10 minutes.  But, I was still learning about my vagina so this might be slow going. 

I wasn’t real sure what to expect the next morning in my session if I wasn’t able to do my homework.