Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Vagina Homework

Homework.  I hate homework.  I was never a good student- I hated studying and I hated homework.   So yeah, I was super stoked to have vagina homework!  My homework after my first session was to work on inserting the first (called X small) dilator.  10 minutes a day is all I am supposed to work on it. 

I decided that Dawn should do the inserting so I could just relax and work on my breathing.  And I’ve never inserted anything so I was a little concerned about even finding my vagina.  We set the timer and started trying. 

Dawn: “you ready?” 
Me: “sure, why not.”
Dawn: “ok, I’m going to touch now, remember you aren’t supposed to flinch.”   She touched the dilator to me – I flinched.   
Dawn: “you aren’t supposed to flinch”

A little about us- we typically don’t work well together.   A lot of lesbian couples don’t.  Just ask any lesbian couple you know if they can put together a piece of furniture without killing each other.   It’s also very hard working with your partner in this type of situation.  She doesn’t want to hurt me, I feel vulnerable not being in control, she’s never done this before, and I’ve never done this before.  There were tons of variables in my homework.   We were able to only get the dilator in an inch or 2 because of muscle resistance.  I was a little bummed, but Dawn reassured me with the following statement: “A week ago, you couldn’t even do this, you are doing great!” 
The next night was pretty much the same.  And the next night (the last night before my next session) – you guessed it, the same.  That night I broke down.  I was very frustrated.  According to my PT I *should* be able to do 10 reps in and out with the dilator.  She learned quickly not to give me goals.  In my head, my shy vagina was going to get the best of me.  I was never going to be able to do this.  I felt like a failure. The point was there was nothing stopping the dilator from going in – so technically I very much should have been able to do 10 reps in 10 minutes.  But, I was still learning about my vagina so this might be slow going. 

I wasn’t real sure what to expect the next morning in my session if I wasn’t able to do my homework.  

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